Apparently it’s that time again, when ‘football widows’ retreat to the blissful sanctuary of the bathroom for uninterrupted pampering, whilst the World Cup plays out.
If any of the following statements ring true, this guide is definitely for you:
What you’ll need to survive the World Cup
Your own secluded haven – a gorgeous bathroom – preferably with a lockable door and of course a beautiful bath tub to luxuriate in. Ideally this shouldn’t be the only room in the house containing a toilet, but if it is, tough.
Recommended survival kit:
Essential survival techniques
The following survival techniques should prepare you for what you are likely to encounter during the World Cup. Good luck.
Kick off
Apparently it’s tricky to kick a ball into a net, which is why footballers are given a reasonable amount of time to do just that. Technically you have 90 minutes of play at your disposal, but don’t forget that the pre-match waffle, late kick-offs, injuries, penalties and the post-match dissection will also give you extra time to relax in bathroom bliss.
Half Time
However, always sleep with one eye open as half time can bring disruptions from ‘the crowd’, especially if you only have one bathroom. This could be to use the facilities you are currently monopolising or to request more pizzas. Remain quiet and still until the predator retreats.
The Offside Rule
This brings us nicely to the offside rule and penalties. In football a player is in an offside position if, when the ball is played by a team-mate, they are nearer to the opposition’s goal line than both the ball and the second last opponent. In the bathroom, the offside rule clearly applies to your family using the toilet (being in an offside position) whilst you’re in the bath. This should result in penalties that can be determined by you.
Full Time
Be ready for the elated or devastated crowd to ‘storm the pitch’ as the final whistle blows and turn your spa into a post-match locker room. It was nice whilst it lasted.
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