World Cup Survival Guide

Apparently it’s that time again, when ‘football widows’ retreat to the blissful sanctuary of the bathroom for uninterrupted pampering, whilst the World Cup plays out.

 

If any of the following statements ring true, this guide is definitely for you:

 

• I have zero interest in the World Cup apart from Cristiano Ronaldo, but he doesn’t play every match does he?
• My living room and TV have been hijacked by the rest of my footie mad family who are wearing nylon-heavy football strips
• I have exhausted all of the chores I have put off for months, such as ironing, cleaning the oven, mowing the lawn, washing the car and redecorating the house

 

What you’ll need to survive the World Cup

Your own secluded haven – a gorgeous bathroom – preferably with a lockable door and of course a beautiful bath tub to luxuriate in. Ideally this shouldn’t be the only room in the house containing a toilet, but if it is, tough.

 

Recommended survival kit:

• Bath filler: choose from gorgeous bubbles, oils, bath bombs…basically anything fragrant that makes your skin feel great during and after your ‘me’ time
• Candles: to set the scene, induce calm and deter predators from entering your spa
• Music: to help you unwind and drown out the ever increasing volume of the TV. Also good for blocking out cheers, expletives, lyrically-weak footie songs, vuvuzelas, mundane commentary from football has-beens and the referee’s whistle
• Something good to read: a glossy magazine, book or your Kindle, but preferably not a WAG’s autobiography
• Something good to look at: your iPad or Smartphone to access images of your own fantasy football team
• Refreshments: lager and football may go hand-in-hand, but you’re more refined than that. Opt for Champagne, wine or a cocktail instead and don’t forget the ice bucket
• Snacks: your oven may be churning out pizzas faster than Dominos, but opt for something less hazardous such as half time oranges

 

Essential survival techniques

The following survival techniques should prepare you for what you are likely to encounter during the World Cup. Good luck.

 

Kick off

Apparently it’s tricky to kick a ball into a net, which is why footballers are given a reasonable amount of time to do just that. Technically you have 90 minutes of play at your disposal, but don’t forget that the pre-match waffle, late kick-offs, injuries, penalties and the post-match dissection will also give you extra time to relax in bathroom bliss.

 

Half Time

However, always sleep with one eye open as half time can bring disruptions from ‘the crowd’, especially if you only have one bathroom. This could be to use the facilities you are currently monopolising or to request more pizzas. Remain quiet and still until the predator retreats.

 

The Offside Rule

This brings us nicely to the offside rule and penalties. In football a player is in an offside position if, when the ball is played by a team-mate, they are nearer to the opposition’s goal line than both the ball and the second last opponent. In the bathroom, the offside rule clearly applies to your family using the toilet (being in an offside position) whilst you’re in the bath. This should result in penalties that can be determined by you.

 

Full Time

Be ready for the elated or devastated crowd to ‘storm the pitch’ as the final whistle blows and turn your spa into a post-match locker room. It was nice whilst it lasted.